An Eye for an Eye never evens out

I’m a pretty lucky guy. I live in one of the most trans* friendly cities in America. I have access to all the resources I need to transition at very little to no cost to myself. I consider myself to be extremely blessed by the family and friends I have around me, who support and love me on a daily basis. I have a job where I can be open and proud about being a trans man. I don’t experience discrimination on a daily basis from people around me, and I have never had to worry about my safety because of my gender identity. I will say it again, I AM EXTREMELY BLESSED.

Even so I have experienced discrimination, both as a trans man and previous to my transition as a lesbian.

Since coming out (the first time 4 years ago as a lesbian, and again 1 1/2 ago as a trans man) I have been called a “Fu*king dyke”, a “damn homo”, an “abomination”, a “fu*cking tranny” and even a “faggot”, a “he-she” and “shim”. I have been accused of “damning” someone to hell, and of being a “pedophile” (that one hurt especially badly because they had no grounds to accuse me of that, plus that is disgusting).

I have heard my fair share of homophobic slurs dropped my way and directed at people I’m with.

I am often asked a series of invasive and extremely personal questions about biology, my body and my gender identity.

Even though many “straight” people have tried to “save me” and have thrown bible verses at me, and told me “I just haven’t met the right man yet”.

I still consider hate towards the straight world to be just as wrong as the hate they put towards us.

There is an unfortunate trend I’ve noticed growing in my community towards straight people, whether they have said anything discriminatory or not. I’ve heard people using the term “breeders” in a derogatory manner towards straight people who happen to come into one of our gay bars or clubs. I’m starting to hear it more and more often, and it upsets me deeply. My thoughts on this are first, you cannot fight hate with more hate it only serves to fuel the fire. And second, why would you hate on a straight person who is open minded enough to walk into a gay bar? Even if they happen in by mistake, and even if they make some close minded stupid comment about “homo’s” does that make discriminating against them right? is it going to heal the pain straight people have caused you? no.

If I responded in a close minded way to every person who asked me an offensive question, or made a stupid comment no one would EVER learn what is or is not appropriate to say or ask.

Granted I am not saying that every close minded asshole out there should be excused for their poor behavior. Absolutely not! Nor am I saying that anyone should put themselves in an unsafe situation by allowing someone to be rude or abusive to them.

What I am saying is, if we want to be accepted as a community with open minds, lets not make ourselves look close minded by shutting out anyone who is “not like us”. Equality goes both ways.

I am also saying that everyone deserves a chance to learn, if they don’t want to hear it, or accept it, that is their personal problem. But writing off every other person because a few people have been rude to you is not the way to live a life of acceptance and mutual respect (which is what equality should be).

again I will say we cannot fight hate with hate, we must meet hate with love. and if you need a better reference to love, check out my previous post: Choose love.

No two people are the same but we are all human and deserve to be treated with respect.

Choose to love those who hate on you, especially after they (or you) walk away, you never know who is listening to what you are saying and who knows? your words have the power to create a new ally or destroy one.

I know this concept is not a new one, and I also know first hand it is not easy, I have been the worst offender at times. But I truly believe this is the only way we will ever reach true equality.

What are your thoughts? What have your experiences with discrimination been? and how have you handled them?

What you call “bravery” I call “survival”.

First I want to start this post by saying this may be offensive to some people (trans* or otherwise) and I’m sorry if it does offend you. However this is my personal opinion and in no way reflects the general population. In addition if you have any questions or comments please feel free to comment. 🙂

Whew! now that we got that out of the way…

I have people on almost a daily basis tell me how “brave” I am for what i “must be going through” with my transition and how “strong” I am to have “made that choice”

On one hand I appreciate that many people can tell that it is not a happy go lucky cake walk. But on the other, I don’t really like to be applauded or admired for something I am simply doing to survive, and to make my life better.

I take a shot in my leg once a week so that my body can finally match what I have always seen in my head, and match what I’ve always felt in my soul. What about that is brave? It is survival. I do this, because if I don’t; I become depressed, I suffer from social anxiety, extreme dysphoria and self harm tendencies.

Again I will say, it is not easy. Its not always fun. People can be cruel when they don’t understand. People can be stupid when they don’t understand. But I don’t feel like what I am doing should be viewed as anything other than what it is, a medical process to help my life and my own self image become more cohesive.

I have such a hard time responding to people when they tell me how “brave” or “strong” or “how much of an inspiration” I am. I usually respond with “well, its really not that big of a deal. Its just what I have to do to be healthy and happy” because really how else can I explain this?

I know that transition is different for everyone who walks down this path, and by and large for everyone I believe, it always become something more than just a means to an end. It is a part of us, we will always be in some sort of transition. Because of this I think it is something we (being myself and a few others I know) being to count the transition process, as part of regular life. It is just something that will always be happening. So why make a big deal out of it?

I feel like I’m just rambling now, so readers; response time: what do you say when people “applaud” you for your transition? or tell you how “brave” you are? and ally peoples: if you’ve ever told a trans* person that you think they are “brave” or you admired them, why was that?

I am my own Valentine.

I’ve tried to resist writing a post about valentines day, which is why I didn’t post yesterday. I didn’t want to post some lamenting piece about how much I miss my ex, or how painful this day was for me. Being single for the first valentines day in 3 years may not sound like much to some people, but for those of you who have spent every valentines day wishing and searching for someone to call your valentine I’m confident you can understand where I was yesterday. Having found love and lost it sucks.

Anyway that is NOT what I am going to write about today.

My friend KC wrote a post on facebook that really made me think about my perspective on valentines day. And then I read a blog post about loving yourself before you can fully love anyone else. And I realized, I have a really hard time loving myself.

I am too hard on myself.

If I find myself unlovable, how can I ever love someone else? How can I let someone love me?

The truth is, I believe love can overcome anything, love can stop hate in its tracks, love can heal deep wounds, mend broken hearts, and save peoples lives.

but only if it is accepted.

And we can only accept love if we believe we are worth the love.

There is a quote from one of my favorite books “The perks of being a wallflower” that says:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I don’t fully agree with that statement, because I think I deserve love, deep love, unconditional love, because that is what I try to give to others.

But I don’t BELIEVE I deserve it.

Because I too often fail at giving that love. Because I am too often an asshole to the people I claim to love. Because I am a selfish child in my heart.

I am 28 years old and I have yet to learn how to accept myself, in all my flawed perfection.

So how do you accept yourself? How did you learn? because for as much as I’ve tried, I still can’t figure out how to love myself? any advice would be helpful.

*side note this has nothing to do with me being trans, or bisexual just fyi I am very proud of that part of my life*

Cheers to the Adventure.

“Compass”
By Lady Antebellum

Alright
Yeah it’s been a bumpy road
Roller coasters
High and low
Fill the tank and drive the car
Pedal fast, pedal hard
You won’t have to go that farYou wanna give up ’cause it’s dark
We’re really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you’re lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it’s all said and done
You can walk instead of run
‘Cause no matter what you’ll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh

Forgot directions on your way
Don’t close your eyes don’t be afraid
We might be crazy late at night I can’t wait til you arrive
Follow stars you’ll be alright

You wanna give up ’cause it’s dark
We’re really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you’re lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it’s all said and done
You can walk instead of run
‘Cause no matter what you’ll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh
You wanna give up ’cause it’s dark
We’re really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you’re lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it’s all said and done
You can walk instead of run
‘Cause no matter what you’ll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh

When it’s all said and done
You can walk instead of run
‘Cause no matter what you’ll never be alone

 

I’ve listened to A LOT of songs over the past few months, while wallowing in hurt and mourning the loss of my relationship with the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

 

I’ve listened to A LOT of sad songs, sappy songs, unrequited love songs, and songs that let you just cry for a while. I happened upon this song while trolling YouTube for some new “self-pity” music…and found it oddly comforting. The more I listened to it the more I realized I needed to get up out of my pit of self-indulgence and find my heart again.

 

In those months of sadness, and self-absorption I really believed that my ex still had my heart, and I would never get it back.

 

While listening to this song I realized 2 things:

    1. My ex would always have a piece of my heart. Because I don’t believe you can love someone as deeply as I loved her and not lose a piece of yourself when she’s gone.

    2. More importantly though, she was not the one holding on to the rest of my heart; I was. After having it broken, I picked up the pieces of my heart and held them so tightly in my hands that I couldn’t even allow them to heal. I realized I was never going to heal, if I did not let go of them.

 

Now I can’t say that has been easy, I still have nights (and days) where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. I still hear songs that remind me of her, and bring me to tears. I still ride by our old apartment and wish that things had never changed. But, I now believe that I can survive life without her. Sometimes I even think I might be better off. And there are days I wake up excited for the adventures of the day, even if I have to face them without her, they will still be adventures.

 

I know that I am not alone, God has been constantly reminding me that as much as this sucks, and as much as it hurts, He’s got me. He’s surrounded me with people who love me, who constantly tell me how much they care, and who never let me wallow for too long. 🙂

 

So for as much as it still sucks, this is a good life.

 

Now instead of listening to those sappy self-indulgent unrequited love songs that make me want to cry, I listen to this song.

 

“You’ll Be Okay”

By: A Great Big World

You’ll be okay
You’ll be okay
The sun will rise
To better daysAnd change will come
It’s on it’s way
Just close your eyes
And let it rain

‘Cause you’re never alone
I will always be there
You just carry on
You will understand

You’ll be okay
You’ll be okay
Just look inside
You know the way

Let it go
Fly away
And say goodbye
To yesterday

‘Cause you’re never alone
And I will always be there
You just carry on
You will understand

And I will be strong
When love is gone
I’ll carry on…

You’ll be okay
You’ll be okay
The sun will rise
To better days

You’ll be okay
You’ll be okay
Just close your eyes
And let it rain

When you need it the most
And all you’ve got is a prayer
You must carry on
You will understand
You will understand
You will understand

You’ll be okay
You’ll be okay
You’ll be okay.

Right now at this stage in my “healing” process I still can’t imagine ever loving someone the way I loved her, but who knows what tomorrow holds?

So raise your glasses, and Cheers to the adventure.

“Miss” Gender. #Transproblems 101

I constantly struggle with whether or not to correct people when they misgender me, which doesn’t happen too often anymore but it definitely still happens. It usually happens at the most unexpected times, and is usually from the most unexpected source. Therefore I am usually caught off guard and either shrug it off and don’t correct it, or I correct it in a really awkward way. Its one of the things I really hate dealing with…I like coming out to people; I am very open about being a trans man, but I don’t like that sometimes I have to, just to make someone stop calling me a girl, or a lesbian. Even then, sometimes it doesn’t work -_- sometimes I correct someone, and they just look at me with this blank “I don’t understand” look on their face, and then still use the wrong pronouns…or worse.

Take for instance the other night. I met some friends at a local bar for some karaoke (a very regular occurrence in my life…thank you Keyko for getting me addicted lol). Towards closing time, our table was approached by a very obviously gay man (and I make that statement to make a point as I am most often misgendered and subsequently treated poorly by gay men…sad but true.), he was also very obviously drunk. Anyway he came over to our table and struck up a conversation by telling us what attractive lesbians we were more or less. Now he was looking at the two girls I was with not at me so I couldn’t be sure I was considered a part of that statement. He then squeezed my arm and said something like “you girls have fun”, then he walked away. By the time I realized I had been hauled into the lesbian wagon, my moment of opportunity to correct was gone. I shrugged it off and figured I wouldn’t have to talk to him again, so whatever. I also reasoned that he was probably too drunk to understand anyway, so it was probably better off that I didn’t say anything (well now I wish I had corrected him at that moment with the safety of my friends to back me up, and tell him to STFU.)
Shortly there after my friends left, and I decided to stay for one more drink because I wasn’t ready to ride home in the rain quite yet. So I walked up to the bar to get one more drink (retrospect I should have just gone home) and who should be standing at the bar but mr. drunk gay man from earlier. Well I tried to stay away I really did, I tried to move to another spot at the bar but that bitch followed me…ugh. Anyway he asked me where my friends went and I told him they went home, then he proceeded to say something about how “you lesbians” are always so cute and how it seems like “so much more fun to be a girl” or something like that. A-ha! there it was, the perfect opening for me to correct, so I said “Well I wouldn’t know, I’m not a lesbian or a woman for that matter”. Then the all too common response happened…”what?” he asked me, “your not?” I responded with “No, definitely not a women” then added “don’t worry though it happens sometimes, I know I’m a very pretty man” and cracked a smile. He just looked more confused. Then he asked the something NO ONE should EVER ask someone in regards to gender “Are you sure?”…………………………..I swear in that moment I could feel my blood boiling. “Yes, I’m sure…….I’m a man” (again in retrospect I should have walked away, I should have just left it at that, but I didn’t) He said something like “No, your too pretty to be a man…” then again he asked “Are you sure?” at this point I was LIVID, but in those moments I can never think of those quick witted responses that tell people just how stupid they are being. So instead I just said “uhhhhh…YES…I….AM…A…MAN” I tried to walk away at this point, but just as I was turning to take a step he grabbed one of the girls I know through Karaoke and asked her “Kat, is SHE a man or a woman?”. Kat told him I was a man and I walked away.

Well let me just say, that was humiliating, and made me more angry than I’ve been in quite some time.

People are stupid.

I try to be patient. I try to have understanding. I try to remember that I am educating people, most of the time I am proud to tell people about what it means to be trans, and what its like. Most of the time I like answering peoples questions, most of the time I don’t mind a pronoun slip up here and there.

But sometimes.

I just can’t take it anymore.

I know that it is different. I know that it is a new concept to MANY people. I know that it is beyond many people’s comfort zones. I know that sometimes I make people uncomfortable. I know that some people just don’t get it.

What I don’t know is how anyone could possibly think its ok to ask someone if they are “sure” about their gender. Like I’m just going to say “oh wait, you know what? I don’t know…” or “Oh, well gee I guess I’m confused…”

maybe he wanted me to whip out a dick to prove it…thats usually what people ask next…

“So do you have a dick?”

ugh…

I know that I’m just bitching now…and I’ve gotten off the original topic.

But this is why I have a hard time correcting people…Why would I bother when this is the response I get?

So for the readers who may not be as well versed in the Trans appropriate questions or responses…let me give you some helpful hints.

1. Use common sense, and common courtesy. If you wouldn’t want someone to ask you the same question then don’t ask it to someone else.
Examples: ANY question having to do with genitals, or sex. Also “So whats your REAL name?” and “So how did your family take it?” (unless you are already friends, this is not a safe question…as many Trans people lose family when they come out)

2. Always ask if they are comfortable talking about their transition before asking any questions transition related.
Example: “I have a few questions about transitioning, do you feel comfortable talking about it with me?” something like that works wonders. Most open trans people will respond with something like “Yes, and I will let you know if something makes me uncomfortable”

3. Please DON’T over think pronouns (He, She). ESPECIALLY if you met the person presenting as their chosen gender.
Example: You meet me in the bar, I am presenting as male…you use correct pronouns (he, him, his) then in the course of the conversation I come out to you as Transgender. DO NOT think because I’m trans you now have to think about the pronouns! Just because I was once a girl doesn’t mean you can call or should call me one now.

4. Along those same lines, Please don’t assume I want or need some type of “special treatment”. Don’t think you can’t punch my arm, or call me a dick. I’m a dude, I can take it; trust me.

I’m sure I’ll add to this again, but I’m tired and out of ideas for now.

Please pray that I have more patience for people, otherwise I am liable to knock somebody out one of these days.

Be Un-apologetically YOU…

So I read that statement on someone’s facebook today and it got me thinking. Is being un-apologetically you really a good thing?

Now don’t get me wrong, I think everyone is unique and special and no one should ever be made to feel less than someone else, for being who they are.

But what if who you are is less than who you would like to be?

A few months ago, I met this guy…This adorable, sweet, and genuinely kind guy. He was introduced to me through a friend one night at the Merc (thats our super awesome gay bar for those of you not in Sacramento). I was tipsy (to say the least), so I promptly forgot his name (because thats what I do when I’ve been drinking…and sometimes even when I haven’t…I’m working on it.). When I saw him the next time about a week later, he came up to me and said hi, and called me by my name…and I said….”uhhh….have we met?” and he said…”yeah last week…” then he kindly introduced himself again. I made some half assed apology for forgetting…then the night went on…and I forgot his name…again. So the next time this happened…he said hello, and used my name…again…*it should be noted (not that it makes it any better) by this time at least I recognized him… but I still had no idea what his name was…so I said “Sorry but can you remind me of your name again?” to which he said something like “Judah if you forget my name after tonight I’m never speaking to you again” (lol gay boys)…I then gave him another half assed apology…and told him “look, I’m kind of an asshole so you should just get used to it if we are going to be friends”

But in truth, I was just making excuses for poor behavior…and I’m not talking about not remembering his name, yes that was bad…but sometimes you just can’t help that…but I didn’t even feel bad about it, at least not really. At some level I was also covering for the fact that I felt he was way nicer than I was ever going to be, so I should just make myself look like a horrible person…that way people’s expectations of me would be lower.

I’ve caught myself doing that a lot as of the past few months. I don’t like it.

So what am I getting at? one could surely ask after that lengthy story…

I have problems with statements like “be unapologetically you” and “don’t change for anybody but yourself”

Because that implies a singularly focused worldview…”the world is all about me, so I don’t need to change for anyone…I don’t need to apologize to anyone for my behavior good or bad…” #yolo lol

That is not how I want to live…

I want to change…for myself…and for everyone…

I want to be more accessible to others…Less closed off…less self absorbed…

I want to be molded and shaped by the needs of others around me…

To be all things to all people *as best as I can*

So for me…Instead of “Be un-apologetically you” or “Don’t change for anyone” I like to use  statements like “Don’t define your value by what others think of you” and “Never stop challenging yourself to be a better person”

Because those to me encourage me to still reach outside of myself, they encourage me to be something better not only for myself but for the people around me.

I recognize that I have the ability to be selfish, but I also recognize that you can’t be happy if you only care about yourself at the expense of other people.
Russell Brand 

Think about it…

Peace & Love

J.

Choose love.

One of the greatest lies ever to be spread throughout the world (especially western culture) is that Love is an emotion. It is something that just “happens”. You “fall in love” with someone, and then when the good “feeling” is gone, and it becomes work you “fall out of love” with that person. Like you cannot help it. Our culture seems to believe that Love is a happy flowing emotion, that sweeps you off your feet, that over takes all good sense and takes you for a wild ride. That you can get lost in it, and that you can find happiness in it. It is somehow an all encompassing emotion that is the end all, beat all, answer to everything. And yet it is not something you can control.

Well I call bullshit.

Love is an action…

Love is a choice…(no not like you can choose not to love someone of the same sex…thats attraction…and totally different…and a different subject for another time.)

take this definition found in 1 Corinthians 13 (with some of my personal explanation thrown in there too)

Love is Patience: Love is when the person you love does that one thing that drives you most insane; that one thing you’ve asked them not to do a hundred times before but they still forget and do it anyway…you have patience and gently remind them how annoying that thing is, and how much it makes you want to punch them in the face (kidding of course…I’m not in any way promoting domestic violence just fyi) 

Love is Kind: Love is spending time with the person that no one wants to be associated with. Its listening to that person that you don’t even want to speak to anymore, and giving them a chance to explain. 

Love does not Envy and it does not boast: Love is not being jealous of your partner getting the nice relaxing bubble bath while you wash the dishes, and it is also doing the dishes to help your partner be able to relax, not because you might get some afterwards. In other words Love is giving without expectation. 

Love is not Proud: Love is admitting when you’ve wronged someone, it is humility.

Love does not dishonor others, and it is not self seeking: Love is defending someone who is being bullied, teased or picked on. It is giving someone else the spot light in your life, and it is lifting up another persons needs above your own. 

Love is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs: Love is counting to ten (or in my case 50) before you speak, and it is forgive and truly forget. It is letting go of anger, and letting go of hurts (after you’ve communicated with your partner in an appropriate way)

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth: For me personally this means, Love is not making my ex’s life miserable because I did that for a while, and I’ll admit it was just to hurt her and that is just mean. Instead I should be rejoicing in the fact that she is happy in her life. 

Love always Protects: Love is speaking for those who don’t have a voice, and listening to those who don’t have anyone else to turn to. 

Love always Trusts: Love is second chances (in healthy environments). Love is believing that it is possible for people to change and grow.

Love always Hopes: Love is the hope that tomorrow I will love deeper, harder, and fuller. Love is the hope that comes from Christ, that I am made new each day because He loved me, and so I will love others. 

Love always Preservers: (this is my favorite) Love is never giving up on someone. Just as Christ is always loving me no matter how far or how often I run away, and just as my mother will never stop loving me no matter how many times I cause her to almost lose her mind. I will never stop loving the people in my life, and you know who you are; I will never give up on you. 

Love is definitely more than an emotion. All of the things mentioned above are actions, daily choices that must be made. I believe at the core, Love is selflessness. A moment by moment choice to set aside my needs in favor of putting another persons needs first. 

and that my friends, is the complete opposite of my nature.

I am working on choosing love more often, I still fail…often. But when I succeed it is always fulfilling. When you give love freely it always comes back though not always from the same source, but it will come back to you.

So be patient, be kind, let go of your envy, Be humble, Forgive always, champion the truth, protect the little guys, always have hope, and keep on believing…

Because Love never Fails.

life is hard…for everyone.

I used to think that I didn’t have a good enough story. That my life just hadn’t been hard enough up to this point. When I worked for the church I met people from broken and abusive homes, people recovering from various addictions, people who at one point were homeless or starving and many more. All of their stories were so compelling, how God pulled them (usually through another christian or through the work of a church) out of their otherwise helpless situation and turned their lives around. He literally saved their lives, he rescued them. In many people’s stories there is not a logical explanation as to why they are alive today, the reason is that God preformed a miracle to save their lives when they needed him the most.

Well that always made me jealous…

My story was not nearly as exciting.

It did not involve drugs, abuse, sex, starvation or destitution.

In my mind, I had a good “easy” life, there was nothing miraculous about me being “saved”

At the point in which I felt this way, my story would go something like this:

someone would ask “So S* how did you become a Christian?” or “S* why do you feel called to ministry?”

and I would answer

“Well, I grew up going to church (southern baptist church to be specific) in Southwestern Michagan. My Dad worked for a ministry there called “Life Action Ministries” and we were very active in church. I grew up going to VBS camp in the summer, and going to AWANA on Wednesday nights. I was “saved” when I was about 6 or so baptized when I was 10 years old, and spent much of my childhood memorizing verses for “Bible Drills” and preforming in “Psalty the singing songbook” musicals. Then when we moved to Florida when I was 14, I lost all my friends from Michigan and got depressed, my mom had to force me to get involved in Youth group to try and make some friends (It should also be noted at this time that I was also homeschooled so I couldn’t make friends at school because well I was related to all of them and I was at that age that I didn’t really like my siblings at all *and by didn’t like…I mean I loathed all 4 of them*) But I still had trouble getting to know people and started to fall into the “wrong crowd” aka the kids who “didn’t listen” or were “disruptive” during the sermon on sunday morning. Anyway, they (my parents) encouraged me to get more involved with the “good kids” at Youth group. So I did, and I ended up going on a missions trip the next summer. While I was there, I felt God calling me to missions, and so I committed my life to serving him through missions. During my High school years I tried to run away from that calling, I made friends with people who were not interested in God at all, and started going to parties (but not really ever drinking lol), but I was miserable. The harder I tried to run away the more miserable I became. So much so, that I began “huffing spray paint” because I wanted to feel free from everything. Well my mother soon caught on, and stopped all of that nonsense…she pretty much scared me straight. So after that I looked into College and seminary to find the place I felt God was leading. I landed at Southeastern University in Florida, and spent “the best 4 years of my life” there learning theology, biblical history, and ministry. That was where I discovered my calling for Youth ministry…and that is pretty much it”

ugh…

I know…yawn…lol

About 4 years ago I met a girl with an epic story.

She was from an abusive home, had been with an abusive boyfriend, had been addicted to drugs, had been raped, had been in a “should have been fatal” car went off a cliff accident and had been taking care of herself/struggling to make it work since she was 16.

She and I became very close…

We shared our stories over many many cups of coffee, and countless cigarettes.

We learned everything there was to know about each other…

and pretty soon, we because important parts of each other’s stories (but that is a subject for a different time)

She and I were talking one night, and I was telling her about some difficult stuff I was going though, and as I’m sitting there crying and telling her how hard all of this (whatever it was) was for me, she said to me “you know S* you need to grow up, its not that difficult, I’ve been through x…y…and z…which is way more difficult than what you are going through…man I’ve been taking care of my own shit since I was 16, How old are you? oh yeah thats right your 25, get it together”

Now in reality it probably wasn’t that harsh…but that is what I heard.

I realized something during that conversation, and subsequent conversations after both with her and with others.

The most difficult thing in my life, is probably going to be a piece of cake for someone else…but that does not make it any less difficult for me.

and vise versa.

people tell me all the time how brave I am for going through with my transition, for changing my gender, and for being so open about it. And usually I laugh it off…because while it is not always easy…its not exactly hard for me either, it is just something i have to do, something I have to deal with, but it is totally worth it.

To someone else though, it could be completely impossible. It could be never in a million years difficult.

Just because it is relatively easy for me, doesn’t mean it will be for someone else.

What I am getting at with all of these stories and ramblings is this simple truth…

You cannot judge someone else’s difficulties through a filter of your own life experience.
Its not fair, and its not right.

You can empathize through personal experience, yes…in fact that is an extremely important part of human connection. But obviously Judgement and Empathy are two totally different things.

Unfortunately we seem to confuse them quite commonly.

*lets get on that people…shall we?*

That would be like a swimmer making fun of someone who cannot swim for being afraid of the deep end of a pool.

which seems ridiculous and quite frankly kind of mean. don’t you think?

So please don’t be like me, don’t let someone else’s experience, discredit your own. Your story is uniquely yours. Your struggles, and your difficulties are just as valid as any other human being’s trials, so please don’t ever feel guilty for feeling like they are fucking hard to deal with. Know that you are a valid and worthwhile person and your story is worth telling. 

So go out and share it…

Dreams the revelation, the realization, the reality.

Ok first I will admit *drunk-ish* blogging probably not the best idea but boy does that bullet bourbon sneak up on a person…and I want to get this out before I lose it…so fucking deal with my slightly slurred phrases already and understand that I mean well…

When I graduated college I had dreams…

So many dreams…

one big one in particular…
I dreamt of going to England and loving people that were otherwise cast out and unloved.
I dreamt of changing the world through the work that I was going to do in England…
I dreamt of starting a revolution…

I realize now…damn…
I was really full of myself…

but that is kind of besides the point

The point is first…I had the goal to start this…and have my life figured out by dec 2013…well shit…its January 2014 and I am NO WHERE CLOSE…to having my life’s goal accomplished…

but…

I’m ok with it…

Not because I’m lazy…

or because I think reaching out and ministering in England is any less important…

but because I realize being here…reaching out…and loving in Sacramento California is what I was meant to do for this season of my life…

great.

So why am I so unfulfilled?

I have spent countless hours…days….weeks…asking myself this question…I have gone over all that I “think” i value in life, and what I “think” will fulfill me, all of what I “think” I want…and I have come up empty handed…and empty hearted…

I have searched my meaning in other people, and in other things…sex and people, alcohol and drugs, money and even work but have still come up empty handed…

I am tired of feeling empty…

so what can I do…

I have spent 4 years trying to convince myself and prove to people (and myself) that being who I am is ok and acceptable, and loved by God, but I cannot seem to find fulfillement…

was I just horribly wrong…?

Will I find fulfillment in being straight and ministering to the community?

The answer is simple…

UHHHH….NOOOO….

after months of prayer… months of misery and depression, months of crying and prayer…I have determined (through God…I trust…) that I am unfulfilled because I am not fulfilling what he designed me to do…

For those of you who don’t know me very well you should know I work at an adult store….so essentially I sell sex (good sex mind you… and safe sex hopefully) for a living… which is something that totally compromises what I believe…it devalues it…it makes it normal…makes it acceptable…and encourages behavior that I don’t agree with.

I’m sure %90 of people will think me old fasioned for this statement…but I am ok with that…

I believe Sex is something that should only happen between 2 committed individuals…I believe our culture is far to sexualized, and girls (and boys) are encouraged far too young to have sex or engage in sexual activities that are far above their maturity level… and having stores like the one that I work for…only serve to encourage those feelings even more…

I love that I get to help couples who love each other and are committed to one another have fantastic sex…I really do…but I wish instead of an age limit on our store their was a relationship limit or something…because there is a part of my ethical fiber that dies everytime I whore a product out to a girl I believe is too young to be engaging in sexual activities, or a boy who is to emotionally fragile to be essentially prostituting himself out to these older men (or women).

Now don’t misunderstand…

I love sex…

I think it is fantastic…

I don’t judge anyone for wanting to have, or having sex…I just have a problem with selling things to young people or emotionally damaged people under the guise that sex will make everything better.

since when is that the truth? sex makes everything SOOOOO much more complicated…(but that is another subject for another time)

all of this is to say…

I need a new job…

I want to work somewhere that I can after a day of work go home and feel proud of and not because I helped someone have an orgasm…but because I helped someone have a better day, or month or life… I want to live a story that is remembered for my positive impact on people’s lives, not just their Sex lives…

I want to heal the broken,

I want to speak to the deaf…and have them hear me…

I want to love the unlovable…and I want them to feel loved, not just by me…but by their creator…

How do I do that…? especially when I still need to pay my bills and no one wants a trans man working at their church?! trust me I’ve tried…

I want to feel optomistic about my dreams…but sometimes the reality sinks in…and I remember who I am to the world…I get lost in the idea that I am a freak to the world…I forget that I am just who he created me to be…and his plan is still watching over my life…

I just have to keep believing that love is the answer…maybe if i just keep saying “Hello I love you…” to everyone I meet…that some how some day…it will make a difference…

I have to believe that I will make a difference…especially if I keep pursuing the position I know is perfect for me…even if I don’t have it now…the dream is still alive…

So if you ever feel like me…don’t be discouraged by what you cannot do at the present time…be encouraged by the fact that God knows exactly where you are…and no matter how near or far you are from him he will meet you here…where you are. And no matter how unloved you feel by other Christians or people of faith for where you are in your life…know this…first; someone is always further from God than you…and second;…you are probably the only person who can reach those with his love…

…so don’t you ever stop loving.