“But, Father I’m afraid I won’t know the way home”
“Don’t be silly William, Just follow your feet.”
~ A Knights Tale
That is one of my favorite quotes. I feel rather silly admitting that it is from a movie, as I fancy myself some type of an intellectual and to admit one of my favorite quotes comes from not a great scholar or author but from a movie is a bit disappointing. But regardless of how ridiculous it makes me feel. I love this quote. I love the whole movie.
I mean was better than a feel good film about changing your life. Becoming something that the rest of the world tells you that you cannot be. Believing that regardless of what life throws at you a man can always change his stars.
This quote speaks to me, where I am right now.
Standing at a crossroad moment in my life, my options while they feel limited from my perspective are in reality limitless. I have the choice to stay the course I’ve been on for the past year. that course in my mind looks something like this:
I am sitting in a well manicured little park, on a bench that is becoming rather uncomfortable. This course requires nothing of me, I don’t even have to move, I can just continue to stay on this slightly uncomfortable bench, in this little park. But as the seasons begin to change, the park is not blooming like it did last year, instead its starting to die. The leaves are turning brown, vines are choking out the flowers, weeds are taking over the grass. What was once a park full of hope and happiness is now starving for new life.
The other course is a pathway at the edge of the park. Where it leads I have no idea. Its scary, and I don’t know how to start. But I think it is time for that change.
So for now, I’m going to work on just following my feet. One step at a time as the saying goes right?
First things first, I am working on getting my name and gender legally changed. I believe that will alleviate a huge amount of dysphoria. I am continuing at my current job for the time being even though I am really ready to be done and move on, it is definitely unwise for me to quit before finding something else (been there, learned my lesson the hard way on that one.)
I am looking for another job, I am desperately trying to find something that will fill my heart, something that I can be proud of. Something that makes a positive impact on the world.
I am also looking for new outlets for creativity, photography is always my go to, and it would be a bonus if I found some new clients and got paid as well :).
My mom will be happy to know that I am finally using all those years of piano lessons as I am playing keyboards in a band.
and yet with all of these beginning steps I’m taking I still feel I haven’t moved, and I’m not making ground. I believe this is a common feeling coming out of a stagnant stage in life. The first steps never feel like a substantial or important change, however these steps are the most important. No matter where you are in life, or where you want to go, every journey has to begin with a few small steps, these first few steps often take the longest, and are the most frustrating, because you can’t see the progress. Its hard to see how far you’ve traveled until you’ve traveled far enough to look back and see where you’ve come from.
Don’t be afraid, Just follow your feet.
From S to J 