Ok first I will admit *drunk-ish* blogging probably not the best idea but boy does that bullet bourbon sneak up on a person…and I want to get this out before I lose it…so fucking deal with my slightly slurred phrases already and understand that I mean well…
When I graduated college I had dreams…
So many dreams…
one big one in particular…
I dreamt of going to England and loving people that were otherwise cast out and unloved.
I dreamt of changing the world through the work that I was going to do in England…
I dreamt of starting a revolution…
I realize now…damn…
I was really full of myself…
but that is kind of besides the point
The point is first…I had the goal to start this…and have my life figured out by dec 2013…well shit…its January 2014 and I am NO WHERE CLOSE…to having my life’s goal accomplished…
but…
I’m ok with it…
Not because I’m lazy…
or because I think reaching out and ministering in England is any less important…
but because I realize being here…reaching out…and loving in Sacramento California is what I was meant to do for this season of my life…
great.
So why am I so unfulfilled?
I have spent countless hours…days….weeks…asking myself this question…I have gone over all that I “think” i value in life, and what I “think” will fulfill me, all of what I “think” I want…and I have come up empty handed…and empty hearted…
I have searched my meaning in other people, and in other things…sex and people, alcohol and drugs, money and even work but have still come up empty handed…
I am tired of feeling empty…
so what can I do…
I have spent 4 years trying to convince myself and prove to people (and myself) that being who I am is ok and acceptable, and loved by God, but I cannot seem to find fulfillement…
was I just horribly wrong…?
Will I find fulfillment in being straight and ministering to the community?
The answer is simple…
UHHHH….NOOOO….
after months of prayer… months of misery and depression, months of crying and prayer…I have determined (through God…I trust…) that I am unfulfilled because I am not fulfilling what he designed me to do…
For those of you who don’t know me very well you should know I work at an adult store….so essentially I sell sex (good sex mind you… and safe sex hopefully) for a living… which is something that totally compromises what I believe…it devalues it…it makes it normal…makes it acceptable…and encourages behavior that I don’t agree with.
I’m sure %90 of people will think me old fasioned for this statement…but I am ok with that…
I believe Sex is something that should only happen between 2 committed individuals…I believe our culture is far to sexualized, and girls (and boys) are encouraged far too young to have sex or engage in sexual activities that are far above their maturity level… and having stores like the one that I work for…only serve to encourage those feelings even more…
I love that I get to help couples who love each other and are committed to one another have fantastic sex…I really do…but I wish instead of an age limit on our store their was a relationship limit or something…because there is a part of my ethical fiber that dies everytime I whore a product out to a girl I believe is too young to be engaging in sexual activities, or a boy who is to emotionally fragile to be essentially prostituting himself out to these older men (or women).
Now don’t misunderstand…
I love sex…
I think it is fantastic…
I don’t judge anyone for wanting to have, or having sex…I just have a problem with selling things to young people or emotionally damaged people under the guise that sex will make everything better.
since when is that the truth? sex makes everything SOOOOO much more complicated…(but that is another subject for another time)
all of this is to say…
I need a new job…
I want to work somewhere that I can after a day of work go home and feel proud of and not because I helped someone have an orgasm…but because I helped someone have a better day, or month or life… I want to live a story that is remembered for my positive impact on people’s lives, not just their Sex lives…
I want to heal the broken,
I want to speak to the deaf…and have them hear me…
I want to love the unlovable…and I want them to feel loved, not just by me…but by their creator…
How do I do that…? especially when I still need to pay my bills and no one wants a trans man working at their church?! trust me I’ve tried…
I want to feel optomistic about my dreams…but sometimes the reality sinks in…and I remember who I am to the world…I get lost in the idea that I am a freak to the world…I forget that I am just who he created me to be…and his plan is still watching over my life…
I just have to keep believing that love is the answer…maybe if i just keep saying “Hello I love you…” to everyone I meet…that some how some day…it will make a difference…
I have to believe that I will make a difference…especially if I keep pursuing the position I know is perfect for me…even if I don’t have it now…the dream is still alive…
So if you ever feel like me…don’t be discouraged by what you cannot do at the present time…be encouraged by the fact that God knows exactly where you are…and no matter how near or far you are from him he will meet you here…where you are. And no matter how unloved you feel by other Christians or people of faith for where you are in your life…know this…first; someone is always further from God than you…and second;…you are probably the only person who can reach those with his love…
…so don’t you ever stop loving.
From S to J 