F*ck them…just love Jesus.

Have you ever been told who you are is not good enough?

Have you ever been made to feel like your decisions in life, whether past or present make you less than someone else?

Have you ever felt like no one could understand or love you?

Have you ever felt shamed or guilted at the hand of someone else?

Do you question whether or not your life will ever amount to anything substantial?

Have you ever been you hurt? Broken? tired? desperate? alone? dirty?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions. Congrats You are human. You are living the human condition. You are just like the rest of us. Welcome to the world.

For 95% of my life thus far I have lived in a bubble. It was a very pretty, very clean bubble. Full of pretty and clean people “just like me”.
We all believed the same, prayed the same, worshipped the same God. Loved the same types of people. Married the same types of men and women. Had the same types of children. Judged the same sins. We all agreed to cast out the same types of people. “Habitual Sinners”. People who “actively chose to live a life of sin”.

And for years. I was ok with that. I am ashamed to say.That was acceptable to me, and I am sorry for that.

It has taken my own personal journey through my sexual orientation and gender identity to realize how grossly off base all of that was. Some people can get it without ever dealing with their own personal sexuality or gender, and I commend you allies for that. I was never able to do that. But I digress.

This is not about my personal journey.

This is a call…
A call to anyone who is different…
Anyone who is a misfit…
A castaway…
An outcast….

to say first…You are not alone…

You are not alone in your belief that there is NOTHING outside of the love of Christ.
In your belief that JESUS DIED FOR EVERYONE. Anybody who loves him, and follows his heart, is “saved” (used for lack of a better term).
In your belief that it doesn’t matter if your Gay, Straight, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Pansexual, Poly, 2 Spirited, or any of the other million and one ways we as a “Queer” community feel comfortable identifying ourselves. Jesus still loves you, because you are part of “the world” that God loved so much he sent his son to die for.
In your belief that there is something fundamentally wrong in telling someone they are LESS than because they are different.
In your belief that “Love the sinner, hate the sin” is a load of bullshit excuses that needs to be done away with forever. I mean its not even in the bible!
In your belief that you can love Jesus and love someone of your same gender, or change your gender, or drink whiskey, or smoke cigarettes, or have tattoos, or cuss, or all of the above. (thats me, at all of the above haha.)

And to say Second: If you believe in one or more of these statements my Selfish hearts desire is to tell you “Fuck the church, just love Jesus.” but I won’t. Because the truth is, They need love too. Perhaps more than we do. “We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death.” 1 John 3:14

Instead I will tell you…

Love Jesus…

Love those who hate you…

and He will love you…

Oh! and I will too…

And Lastly I will say: NO matter who you are, or where you are. If I’ve met you, if I haven’t or if I never will…I love you. Deeply and truly. You are accepted here. I would love to hear Anyone and EVERYONE’S thoughts or comments. No matter if you agree or not. Please feel free to comment below.

An Eye for an Eye never evens out

I’m a pretty lucky guy. I live in one of the most trans* friendly cities in America. I have access to all the resources I need to transition at very little to no cost to myself. I consider myself to be extremely blessed by the family and friends I have around me, who support and love me on a daily basis. I have a job where I can be open and proud about being a trans man. I don’t experience discrimination on a daily basis from people around me, and I have never had to worry about my safety because of my gender identity. I will say it again, I AM EXTREMELY BLESSED.

Even so I have experienced discrimination, both as a trans man and previous to my transition as a lesbian.

Since coming out (the first time 4 years ago as a lesbian, and again 1 1/2 ago as a trans man) I have been called a “Fu*king dyke”, a “damn homo”, an “abomination”, a “fu*cking tranny” and even a “faggot”, a “he-she” and “shim”. I have been accused of “damning” someone to hell, and of being a “pedophile” (that one hurt especially badly because they had no grounds to accuse me of that, plus that is disgusting).

I have heard my fair share of homophobic slurs dropped my way and directed at people I’m with.

I am often asked a series of invasive and extremely personal questions about biology, my body and my gender identity.

Even though many “straight” people have tried to “save me” and have thrown bible verses at me, and told me “I just haven’t met the right man yet”.

I still consider hate towards the straight world to be just as wrong as the hate they put towards us.

There is an unfortunate trend I’ve noticed growing in my community towards straight people, whether they have said anything discriminatory or not. I’ve heard people using the term “breeders” in a derogatory manner towards straight people who happen to come into one of our gay bars or clubs. I’m starting to hear it more and more often, and it upsets me deeply. My thoughts on this are first, you cannot fight hate with more hate it only serves to fuel the fire. And second, why would you hate on a straight person who is open minded enough to walk into a gay bar? Even if they happen in by mistake, and even if they make some close minded stupid comment about “homo’s” does that make discriminating against them right? is it going to heal the pain straight people have caused you? no.

If I responded in a close minded way to every person who asked me an offensive question, or made a stupid comment no one would EVER learn what is or is not appropriate to say or ask.

Granted I am not saying that every close minded asshole out there should be excused for their poor behavior. Absolutely not! Nor am I saying that anyone should put themselves in an unsafe situation by allowing someone to be rude or abusive to them.

What I am saying is, if we want to be accepted as a community with open minds, lets not make ourselves look close minded by shutting out anyone who is “not like us”. Equality goes both ways.

I am also saying that everyone deserves a chance to learn, if they don’t want to hear it, or accept it, that is their personal problem. But writing off every other person because a few people have been rude to you is not the way to live a life of acceptance and mutual respect (which is what equality should be).

again I will say we cannot fight hate with hate, we must meet hate with love. and if you need a better reference to love, check out my previous post: Choose love.

No two people are the same but we are all human and deserve to be treated with respect.

Choose to love those who hate on you, especially after they (or you) walk away, you never know who is listening to what you are saying and who knows? your words have the power to create a new ally or destroy one.

I know this concept is not a new one, and I also know first hand it is not easy, I have been the worst offender at times. But I truly believe this is the only way we will ever reach true equality.

What are your thoughts? What have your experiences with discrimination been? and how have you handled them?

What you call “bravery” I call “survival”.

First I want to start this post by saying this may be offensive to some people (trans* or otherwise) and I’m sorry if it does offend you. However this is my personal opinion and in no way reflects the general population. In addition if you have any questions or comments please feel free to comment. 🙂

Whew! now that we got that out of the way…

I have people on almost a daily basis tell me how “brave” I am for what i “must be going through” with my transition and how “strong” I am to have “made that choice”

On one hand I appreciate that many people can tell that it is not a happy go lucky cake walk. But on the other, I don’t really like to be applauded or admired for something I am simply doing to survive, and to make my life better.

I take a shot in my leg once a week so that my body can finally match what I have always seen in my head, and match what I’ve always felt in my soul. What about that is brave? It is survival. I do this, because if I don’t; I become depressed, I suffer from social anxiety, extreme dysphoria and self harm tendencies.

Again I will say, it is not easy. Its not always fun. People can be cruel when they don’t understand. People can be stupid when they don’t understand. But I don’t feel like what I am doing should be viewed as anything other than what it is, a medical process to help my life and my own self image become more cohesive.

I have such a hard time responding to people when they tell me how “brave” or “strong” or “how much of an inspiration” I am. I usually respond with “well, its really not that big of a deal. Its just what I have to do to be healthy and happy” because really how else can I explain this?

I know that transition is different for everyone who walks down this path, and by and large for everyone I believe, it always become something more than just a means to an end. It is a part of us, we will always be in some sort of transition. Because of this I think it is something we (being myself and a few others I know) being to count the transition process, as part of regular life. It is just something that will always be happening. So why make a big deal out of it?

I feel like I’m just rambling now, so readers; response time: what do you say when people “applaud” you for your transition? or tell you how “brave” you are? and ally peoples: if you’ve ever told a trans* person that you think they are “brave” or you admired them, why was that?

“Miss” Gender. #Transproblems 101

I constantly struggle with whether or not to correct people when they misgender me, which doesn’t happen too often anymore but it definitely still happens. It usually happens at the most unexpected times, and is usually from the most unexpected source. Therefore I am usually caught off guard and either shrug it off and don’t correct it, or I correct it in a really awkward way. Its one of the things I really hate dealing with…I like coming out to people; I am very open about being a trans man, but I don’t like that sometimes I have to, just to make someone stop calling me a girl, or a lesbian. Even then, sometimes it doesn’t work -_- sometimes I correct someone, and they just look at me with this blank “I don’t understand” look on their face, and then still use the wrong pronouns…or worse.

Take for instance the other night. I met some friends at a local bar for some karaoke (a very regular occurrence in my life…thank you Keyko for getting me addicted lol). Towards closing time, our table was approached by a very obviously gay man (and I make that statement to make a point as I am most often misgendered and subsequently treated poorly by gay men…sad but true.), he was also very obviously drunk. Anyway he came over to our table and struck up a conversation by telling us what attractive lesbians we were more or less. Now he was looking at the two girls I was with not at me so I couldn’t be sure I was considered a part of that statement. He then squeezed my arm and said something like “you girls have fun”, then he walked away. By the time I realized I had been hauled into the lesbian wagon, my moment of opportunity to correct was gone. I shrugged it off and figured I wouldn’t have to talk to him again, so whatever. I also reasoned that he was probably too drunk to understand anyway, so it was probably better off that I didn’t say anything (well now I wish I had corrected him at that moment with the safety of my friends to back me up, and tell him to STFU.)
Shortly there after my friends left, and I decided to stay for one more drink because I wasn’t ready to ride home in the rain quite yet. So I walked up to the bar to get one more drink (retrospect I should have just gone home) and who should be standing at the bar but mr. drunk gay man from earlier. Well I tried to stay away I really did, I tried to move to another spot at the bar but that bitch followed me…ugh. Anyway he asked me where my friends went and I told him they went home, then he proceeded to say something about how “you lesbians” are always so cute and how it seems like “so much more fun to be a girl” or something like that. A-ha! there it was, the perfect opening for me to correct, so I said “Well I wouldn’t know, I’m not a lesbian or a woman for that matter”. Then the all too common response happened…”what?” he asked me, “your not?” I responded with “No, definitely not a women” then added “don’t worry though it happens sometimes, I know I’m a very pretty man” and cracked a smile. He just looked more confused. Then he asked the something NO ONE should EVER ask someone in regards to gender “Are you sure?”…………………………..I swear in that moment I could feel my blood boiling. “Yes, I’m sure…….I’m a man” (again in retrospect I should have walked away, I should have just left it at that, but I didn’t) He said something like “No, your too pretty to be a man…” then again he asked “Are you sure?” at this point I was LIVID, but in those moments I can never think of those quick witted responses that tell people just how stupid they are being. So instead I just said “uhhhhh…YES…I….AM…A…MAN” I tried to walk away at this point, but just as I was turning to take a step he grabbed one of the girls I know through Karaoke and asked her “Kat, is SHE a man or a woman?”. Kat told him I was a man and I walked away.

Well let me just say, that was humiliating, and made me more angry than I’ve been in quite some time.

People are stupid.

I try to be patient. I try to have understanding. I try to remember that I am educating people, most of the time I am proud to tell people about what it means to be trans, and what its like. Most of the time I like answering peoples questions, most of the time I don’t mind a pronoun slip up here and there.

But sometimes.

I just can’t take it anymore.

I know that it is different. I know that it is a new concept to MANY people. I know that it is beyond many people’s comfort zones. I know that sometimes I make people uncomfortable. I know that some people just don’t get it.

What I don’t know is how anyone could possibly think its ok to ask someone if they are “sure” about their gender. Like I’m just going to say “oh wait, you know what? I don’t know…” or “Oh, well gee I guess I’m confused…”

maybe he wanted me to whip out a dick to prove it…thats usually what people ask next…

“So do you have a dick?”

ugh…

I know that I’m just bitching now…and I’ve gotten off the original topic.

But this is why I have a hard time correcting people…Why would I bother when this is the response I get?

So for the readers who may not be as well versed in the Trans appropriate questions or responses…let me give you some helpful hints.

1. Use common sense, and common courtesy. If you wouldn’t want someone to ask you the same question then don’t ask it to someone else.
Examples: ANY question having to do with genitals, or sex. Also “So whats your REAL name?” and “So how did your family take it?” (unless you are already friends, this is not a safe question…as many Trans people lose family when they come out)

2. Always ask if they are comfortable talking about their transition before asking any questions transition related.
Example: “I have a few questions about transitioning, do you feel comfortable talking about it with me?” something like that works wonders. Most open trans people will respond with something like “Yes, and I will let you know if something makes me uncomfortable”

3. Please DON’T over think pronouns (He, She). ESPECIALLY if you met the person presenting as their chosen gender.
Example: You meet me in the bar, I am presenting as male…you use correct pronouns (he, him, his) then in the course of the conversation I come out to you as Transgender. DO NOT think because I’m trans you now have to think about the pronouns! Just because I was once a girl doesn’t mean you can call or should call me one now.

4. Along those same lines, Please don’t assume I want or need some type of “special treatment”. Don’t think you can’t punch my arm, or call me a dick. I’m a dude, I can take it; trust me.

I’m sure I’ll add to this again, but I’m tired and out of ideas for now.

Please pray that I have more patience for people, otherwise I am liable to knock somebody out one of these days.

life is hard…for everyone.

I used to think that I didn’t have a good enough story. That my life just hadn’t been hard enough up to this point. When I worked for the church I met people from broken and abusive homes, people recovering from various addictions, people who at one point were homeless or starving and many more. All of their stories were so compelling, how God pulled them (usually through another christian or through the work of a church) out of their otherwise helpless situation and turned their lives around. He literally saved their lives, he rescued them. In many people’s stories there is not a logical explanation as to why they are alive today, the reason is that God preformed a miracle to save their lives when they needed him the most.

Well that always made me jealous…

My story was not nearly as exciting.

It did not involve drugs, abuse, sex, starvation or destitution.

In my mind, I had a good “easy” life, there was nothing miraculous about me being “saved”

At the point in which I felt this way, my story would go something like this:

someone would ask “So S* how did you become a Christian?” or “S* why do you feel called to ministry?”

and I would answer

“Well, I grew up going to church (southern baptist church to be specific) in Southwestern Michagan. My Dad worked for a ministry there called “Life Action Ministries” and we were very active in church. I grew up going to VBS camp in the summer, and going to AWANA on Wednesday nights. I was “saved” when I was about 6 or so baptized when I was 10 years old, and spent much of my childhood memorizing verses for “Bible Drills” and preforming in “Psalty the singing songbook” musicals. Then when we moved to Florida when I was 14, I lost all my friends from Michigan and got depressed, my mom had to force me to get involved in Youth group to try and make some friends (It should also be noted at this time that I was also homeschooled so I couldn’t make friends at school because well I was related to all of them and I was at that age that I didn’t really like my siblings at all *and by didn’t like…I mean I loathed all 4 of them*) But I still had trouble getting to know people and started to fall into the “wrong crowd” aka the kids who “didn’t listen” or were “disruptive” during the sermon on sunday morning. Anyway, they (my parents) encouraged me to get more involved with the “good kids” at Youth group. So I did, and I ended up going on a missions trip the next summer. While I was there, I felt God calling me to missions, and so I committed my life to serving him through missions. During my High school years I tried to run away from that calling, I made friends with people who were not interested in God at all, and started going to parties (but not really ever drinking lol), but I was miserable. The harder I tried to run away the more miserable I became. So much so, that I began “huffing spray paint” because I wanted to feel free from everything. Well my mother soon caught on, and stopped all of that nonsense…she pretty much scared me straight. So after that I looked into College and seminary to find the place I felt God was leading. I landed at Southeastern University in Florida, and spent “the best 4 years of my life” there learning theology, biblical history, and ministry. That was where I discovered my calling for Youth ministry…and that is pretty much it”

ugh…

I know…yawn…lol

About 4 years ago I met a girl with an epic story.

She was from an abusive home, had been with an abusive boyfriend, had been addicted to drugs, had been raped, had been in a “should have been fatal” car went off a cliff accident and had been taking care of herself/struggling to make it work since she was 16.

She and I became very close…

We shared our stories over many many cups of coffee, and countless cigarettes.

We learned everything there was to know about each other…

and pretty soon, we because important parts of each other’s stories (but that is a subject for a different time)

She and I were talking one night, and I was telling her about some difficult stuff I was going though, and as I’m sitting there crying and telling her how hard all of this (whatever it was) was for me, she said to me “you know S* you need to grow up, its not that difficult, I’ve been through x…y…and z…which is way more difficult than what you are going through…man I’ve been taking care of my own shit since I was 16, How old are you? oh yeah thats right your 25, get it together”

Now in reality it probably wasn’t that harsh…but that is what I heard.

I realized something during that conversation, and subsequent conversations after both with her and with others.

The most difficult thing in my life, is probably going to be a piece of cake for someone else…but that does not make it any less difficult for me.

and vise versa.

people tell me all the time how brave I am for going through with my transition, for changing my gender, and for being so open about it. And usually I laugh it off…because while it is not always easy…its not exactly hard for me either, it is just something i have to do, something I have to deal with, but it is totally worth it.

To someone else though, it could be completely impossible. It could be never in a million years difficult.

Just because it is relatively easy for me, doesn’t mean it will be for someone else.

What I am getting at with all of these stories and ramblings is this simple truth…

You cannot judge someone else’s difficulties through a filter of your own life experience.
Its not fair, and its not right.

You can empathize through personal experience, yes…in fact that is an extremely important part of human connection. But obviously Judgement and Empathy are two totally different things.

Unfortunately we seem to confuse them quite commonly.

*lets get on that people…shall we?*

That would be like a swimmer making fun of someone who cannot swim for being afraid of the deep end of a pool.

which seems ridiculous and quite frankly kind of mean. don’t you think?

So please don’t be like me, don’t let someone else’s experience, discredit your own. Your story is uniquely yours. Your struggles, and your difficulties are just as valid as any other human being’s trials, so please don’t ever feel guilty for feeling like they are fucking hard to deal with. Know that you are a valid and worthwhile person and your story is worth telling. 

So go out and share it…